tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65440997911390613402024-03-05T16:47:17.275+00:00A Comical Take On LifeMy views on the latest news and things I've seen recently, complete with the latest viral videos and funny things I've seen around the net.Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-69625090454435795952013-03-27T18:56:00.000+00:002013-03-27T20:31:35.757+00:00'Art', Quiz Nights and Global Cooling<b>It's been a while but the time has come for yet another literary eruption of opinion, prompted by a rather eventful weekend, including (bet you can't guess from the title) art galleries, a quiz night and some bloody cold temperatures - "brassic" as my girlfriend would say.</b><br />
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My weekend started with a trip to view a gallery of light 'installations' at the Hayward Gallery on London's Southbank before heading to the Tate Modern. The Light Exhibition I could take; a few things I'd probably put in my flat, alongside a few things that looked like they'd fallen from the ceiling. It's the truly modern art that I don't get...from the pretentious knobheads who sit in galleries murmuring superlatives in posh undertones, to the so called pieces of art these 'trendies' are seen to admire, "yaaaaar, isn't this piece just stupendous Orlando, it'd look just perfect outside on the driveway next to the Prius!"<br />
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<a href="http://i2.wp.com/farm9.staticflickr.com/8248/8584547960_6bcd163fd9_o.jpg?resize=612%2C612" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i2.wp.com/farm9.staticflickr.com/8248/8584547960_6bcd163fd9_o.jpg?resize=612%2C612" width="320" /></a>Let me make this clear, shitting in a box, sleeping in a box, or presenting a dead fish in a box are not pieces of art. In fact putting anything in a box does not constitute art, even if there is a story behind it. I'm fully expecting people to disagree on this note, and I'm not saying my opinion is the right one, but until someone can convince me otherwise I will continue to give kitchen appliances or cutlery at weddings and refuse to offer my faecal matter with a bow on it.<br />
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For those of you thinking I'm just an uncultured individual who despises anyone expressing themselves, I am often seen farting, burping and drawing cocks on car bonnets in the snow. I can appreciate good drawings or photography, or even good drawings of photography. In fact I'd actually be more than happy to go to an art exhibition at the Tate if it featured photos of dogs wearing sunglasses!<br />
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After an afternoon of art cynicism, I headed home with my lucky lady to a charity quiz night for a very worthy cause I've mentioned in previous posts, Macmillan's Cancer Care, in memory of my friends inspirational Dad. As a naturally competitive person, quiz nights are a good opportunity for me to accuse others of cheating and showcase my affinity to useless facts. Did you know that women blink nearly twice as often as men and the dot over the letter i is called a tittle?! You do now!!!<br />
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As the night went on and the alcohol flowed, we encountered mustard tasting tests, 'is it a car or cucumber?' questions and even an arts & crafts round. In a move that could have ended in tears, scissors were handed round the room, along with other materials, as we were instructed to build a London landmark of our choice. In the 15 minutes we had to do this, my team produced something incredible. Something which could have been put in a box and displayed at the Tate. Our fully functional scale replica of Tower Bridge (see below, in its online debut) featured lifting and closing bridges, oversized origami cranes and even a giant made of blu-tack. A 9/10 score felt unjust and only served to bring the quiz into disrepute in my mind.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqB42MKCApXEaYL83EH9upMwhxPV5nUlJOwpF6J4Z9pGAdzcJ-XUGJrPckJQUiTohwoZztTDbv5m5Zp_IsCOvsT2byA8h0_xiqIMjk8xjolsHovmoStEh-iw5NwwbbWQLUauHEETTT0YU/s1600/254252_10151307061607204_803950722_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqB42MKCApXEaYL83EH9upMwhxPV5nUlJOwpF6J4Z9pGAdzcJ-XUGJrPckJQUiTohwoZztTDbv5m5Zp_IsCOvsT2byA8h0_xiqIMjk8xjolsHovmoStEh-iw5NwwbbWQLUauHEETTT0YU/s320/254252_10151307061607204_803950722_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>We ended up finishing 4th, driven partly by a clear lack of recognition, probably due to some point fixing and also by the fact the winning team had too many members (or cheating douchebags as I shall thus refer to them). Despite the team limit being 6, this team of cheating douchebags contained 8 cheating douchebags. Fuck charity, that's cheating in any situation! Cheating fucking douchebags! In my dads loudly voiced opinion, "at least we will sleep easy in our beds tonight knowing we played a fair game". P.S. I'm not a bad loser...!<br />
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I realise this blog has once again escalated into another rant and my final point is not going to change this. 'Global Warming' (or 'Global Warning' as my step-sister calls it) is apparently playing havoc on the UK's weather. For those not based in the uk who haven't heard our incessant whining, we've faced "brassic" temperatures which have been below zero degrees for weeks. Apparently this is a sign that years of pollution are messing up our weather systems, failing to note that extreme temperatures were about long before we inhabited this planet. Yes, we probably aren't helping matters, but its not all our doing.<br />
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If the 'Warming' ever occurs, I'll be more than happy. It'll save me hundreds of quid a year on holidays to hotter climates and my apparent obsession with dogs wearing sunglasses may become a reality...and to avoid the blind leading the blind, guide dogs should be the first ones to receive a pair of complimentary RayBans.<br />
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So until next time, don't shit in boxes, don't be a quiz-douchebag and go buy your spaniel a pair of sunglasses!<br />
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Over and out.Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-81088411253966875042012-07-05T21:01:00.000+01:002012-07-05T21:01:42.030+01:00Memories and inspiration<a href="http://uthmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/To-Inspire-by-mushir.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="122" src="http://uthmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/To-Inspire-by-mushir.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
It was an emotional day. A day full of pain, but full of inspiration. Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a man I knew much about, yet had barely met. A man who lived his life to the fullest and enjoyed everything the world had to offer. It is from people like this that I take inspiration (even if he was a Newcastle fan), not celebrities or popstars like Justin Bieber.<br />
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I've not had much adventure in my life so far...I enjoy the simple things. If you give me a calculator, I'll enter 5318008, turn it upside down and have a giggle, so I sometimes wonder what memorable stories friends and relatives would have to tell about me when I pass.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_2QW990Fq0Y4/ScovSaq1PWI/AAAAAAAABg8/fUX7dVn_Zxk/s320/boobless.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_2QW990Fq0Y4/ScovSaq1PWI/AAAAAAAABg8/fUX7dVn_Zxk/s200/boobless.gif" width="200" /></a>I've won a few swimming medals in my time, written some blogs, run into a tree, sold 9 copies of my album and taken Southend to champions league glory on football manager. Achievements? Yes. Inspiring? Potentially not (unless you're Paul Sturrock).<br />
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To be fair, I am exaggerating a bit here. I have had a great life so far, but there is always more to achieve and experience. So from this day on, I intend to help the memory of a great man live on and take more opportunities that present themselves to me, so that when I'm no longer around I will have hopefully inspired someone in the same way he inspired me.<br />
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However, this pledge may not happen and if the worst comes to the worst and I kick the bucket tomorrow, please take the following limerick i have written as a replacement for the potential lack of funny stories at the funeral.<br />
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<i>I'm sorry if you've all cried,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Because I've gone and died,</i></div>
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<i>Now head to the pub,</i></div>
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<i>Tuck into some grub,</i></div>
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<i>And celebrate that I was alive</i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">In memory of David.<br /><a href="http://www.justgiving.com/GBamford">http://www.justgiving.com/GBamford</a>(if you would like to donate, visit link above, with all proceeds going to Macmillan)</span>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-60830727208740610062012-05-12T11:06:00.000+01:002012-05-15T16:41:06.511+01:00Queen or no Queen? That is the question!As we move from shakespeare's eloquent use of the english language into the modern era of txt spk, times have definitely changed. The pen is no longer mightier than the sword. The pen is, in fact, no mightier than a 9 year old chav hiding behind a twitter username.
In modern times where Posh and Becks are seen as royalty, what place does the once revered and much respected queen have. Our queenie may be one of the most powerful women ever to grace the earth, but has her appeal worn off, much like the novelty of birthdays for the over 30s.<br />
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There are two sides to every argument:
So what that she wears an elaborate object on her head...so do Jedward. There are in fact a huge amount of people around the country that despise the queen and everything she stands for...again, just like Jedward.
As we approach the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, a 60 year reign dating back to the days before Simon Cowell and his unwanted opinions, commemorated by a logo more accustomed to CBeebies, it is time to reflect on what she has achieved:<br />
<ul>
<li>There is a bridge named after her</li>
<li>There is a boat named after her</li>
<li>She's got a very recognisable wave</li>
<li>She introduced us to Pippa Middleton's bum</li>
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Reason enough to keep an unelected monarch in a mansion with more toilets than Homebase? That's not down to us to decide. Or is it?! If Simon Cowell had his way, we would all be looking forward to the upcoming series of "The Throne Factor" and he'd be pulling his trousers ever higher to prevent his pockets full of gold ever falling below his belly button!
Please feel free to vote and leave comments!Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-41275409307721007412011-07-13T11:51:00.002+01:002011-07-13T11:59:58.940+01:00Insults, Broken Toes and Old People<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.slantmagazine.com/images/film/intheloop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:center; margin-left:0em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="560" src="http://www.slantmagazine.com/images/film/intheloop.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Have you ever been in the middle of an argument, doing your best to verbally rape your enemy into submission, but instead find yourself metaphorically fumbling around to get your cock out and getting your foreskin caught in your zip? In hindsight, once the heat of the moment has passed and you've managed to prise the tip of your penis from your trouser fastener, you come up with the perfect insult, but it's too late. The moment has passed and the argument has been lost. Malcolm Tucker from BBC comedy In The Loop (a spin off from the TV series, The Thick Of It) has never had such problems. Read and learn:<br />
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<i>"You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny"<br />
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"Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!"</i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.newsrt.co.uk/upload/news/large/11/27/David_haye_pic_reuters_image_1_297728962.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em;"><img border="0" width="200" src="http://i.newsrt.co.uk/upload/news/large/11/27/David_haye_pic_reuters_image_1_297728962.jpg" /></a></div>If everyone in the world could argue with such imagination, the world would be a much better place. I'm sure many of you will have seen the Haye vs Klitschko fight recently, where Haye lost fairly comprehensively but blamed his loss on a broken little toe. Imagine if Klitschko walked up to Haye after he started complaining and said "Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse", that alone would've been worth the £12.95 that we charged to my friend's dad's Sky Box Office account to watch the fight! It would go down as one of the greatest fights of all time!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.reallyrich.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/cilla-black-coronation-street-cameo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="100" src="http://www.reallyrich.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/cilla-black-coronation-street-cameo.jpg" /></a></div>A great insult normally involves at least one swear word and whether my nan would approve of all the bad language is another story altogether. My nan shakes her head at the TV every time Cilla Black's face appears, mumbling something about the fact people should not have to see her horrible face and those teeth. She will also tut loudly when she hears the word "fart", so I can't imagine what her reaction would be if someone told her to shove a lubricated horse cock up her shitter. This is the thing with old people, they all moan about the Germans, the amount of foreigners in our country and are generally pretty racist and think this is OK. Yet, if you say the word fart, they look at you as if you're a nazi. <br />
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So if you want to get the upper hand in your next verbal battle, I'd highly recommend watching In The Loop. I've attached a video below with Malcolm Tucker in action, it's a must watch.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/O5q3xFB8MXo?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-69105450786259460592011-05-05T23:52:00.000+01:002011-05-05T23:52:25.590+01:00The Apprentice<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/05/04/article-1383579-0BE2273500000578-71_634x331.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" width="500" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/05/04/article-1383579-0BE2273500000578-71_634x331.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<b>It has returned. BAFTA Award winning The Apprentice is back for it's 7th Series and will no doubt be full of more of Britain's idiots attempting to make money. It worries me that the candidates that appear on the show are allegedly among the best business brains in the country, it really does!</b><br />
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The line-up for the show has been announced, but before I go onto the latest bunch of halfwits, it is worth mentioning that this year the candidates are not vying for a job working for Sir Lord Mr Alan Sugar, they are competing to run a business which he will invest £250,000 in. Probably a clever move from the Sugar Monster as I wouldn't want the majority of the candidates on the show anywhere near my business...and I'm unemployed!<br />
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To see my take on all the candidates, check out my Apprentice blog @ <a href="http://apprentice2011.blogspot.com">www.apprentice2011.blogspot.com</a>. DO IT NOW!!Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-22628239688313433142011-04-06T14:39:00.007+01:002011-04-06T23:05:12.999+01:00Peter Crouch, Censorship and Complaints<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYAdv2v4-1k_41BDwQdElhTatCtax8WqHSO9R-L_QTXo7LRUhtUZekBRTonMOz1MaL9sj6L7-GGeQwHKSAyJ3jIZq0Wea9P0BrDiAS7D5rgjRTY3rLwwA14DoI0LRji3H_E-taOEvSp18/s1600/crouch+tit+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYAdv2v4-1k_41BDwQdElhTatCtax8WqHSO9R-L_QTXo7LRUhtUZekBRTonMOz1MaL9sj6L7-GGeQwHKSAyJ3jIZq0Wea9P0BrDiAS7D5rgjRTY3rLwwA14DoI0LRji3H_E-taOEvSp18/s320/crouch+tit+copy.jpg" /></a></div><p><b>In the blog today: Peter Crouch ruins Tottenhams hopes of European glory, Frankie Boyle gets a slap on the wrist and I we have a look at some of the stupidist complaints to ofcom.</b></p><br />
Almost a week after revealing The <a href="http://hyperpringle.blogspot.com/2011/03/national-cleavage-day.html">ACTOL National Cleavage Award</a> winner for 2011, Katy Perry's title is already under threat. Last night, Peter Crouch's red card in the Quarter Final of the Champions League against Real Madrid showed himself to be an even bigger tit; literally head and shoulders above the rest. With two challenges reminiscent of Sunday league football, the lanky striker was given his marching orders, and 75 minutes later watched his team traipse off the field on the back of a 4-0 thrashing. Crouch would have no doubt made a difference with his unorthodox, giraffe-like approach and maybe spurs would've had a chance, but as it is they have less chance of qualifying than Michael Barrymore has at getting a lifeguard job.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/multimedia/dynamic/00436/UK_News_10-1_jpg_436307t.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/multimedia/dynamic/00436/UK_News_10-1_jpg_436307t.jpg" /></a></div>I'm a huge fan of Michael Barrymore and his early work with Strike It Rich and My Kind Of People, so that last joke is nothing more than a cheap shot for a laugh. Nowadays there are no presenters like him. He was funny, he was clever and he was risqué, but you can't get away with that any more. Presenters have to be very careful in what they say as there is a chance that someone watching will take offence and complain. In the past few days, Frankie Boyle's joke about Jordan's son Harvey has been censured by Ofcom amid over 500 complaints. First of all, it was an extremely harsh joke, but Frankie Boyle is known to produce this kind of material constantly and it is what has made him famous so if you don't like it, don't watch it. There are plenty of other programmes on TV if you don't want comedic abuse, you could watch Pingu, Cash In The Attic or Springwatch (but even they talk about tits). <br />
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Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross had similar problems in 2008 when 10,000 people complained about a prank phone call. Why listen to a show like theirs if you are easily insulted? The UK is a country of complainers and the trend seems to be increasing and becoming more petty. Ofcom have also received 157 complaints from viewers when Top Gear presenters called Mexican people lazy and 7 people complained when a student with the word "fuck" written on his forehead was interviewed on the BBC News at Six.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://tickledbylife.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/complaining.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="http://tickledbylife.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/complaining.jpg" /></a></div>The most ridiculous complaint award goes against TV programme The Pad, broadcast on TV channel Tease Me TV 2. This channel is owned by Playboy, is in the Adult section on Sky and the programme itself consists of woman encouraging people to call in to flirt. One person complained about this, saying woman on the screen was “adopting various sexual positions and behaving in a clearly overtly sexual manner”. I don't know what the viewer was expecting when they tuned in, but the world is going mad.<br />
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I have yet to receive a complaint for my weekends work, which involved stealing a friends garden gate and hiding it in another friends' hallway. If anyone would like to complain, please go here <a href="http://consumers.ofcom.org.uk/tell-us">Ofcom Complaints</a> and never come back!<br />
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Please 'like' us on facebook, tweet us or comment.Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-57031735720135803352011-03-31T17:28:00.002+01:002011-03-31T18:03:51.122+01:00National Cleavage DayToday, whilst busy redesigning this blog with more alterations than Jordan has had boob jobs, I was reliably informed that it is National Cleavage Day. Since that moment, I have spent a good few hours 'researching' the topic of this blog, which will of course be cleavage - it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it! I don't want to turn this into a sexist, chauvanistic blog focussing purely on the female form, however this could prove impossible so I apologise in advance!<br />
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Before I make your trousers bulge and your eyeballs orgasm with a plethora of pictures, I will provide a brief history of National Cleavage Day:<br />
It was started by Wonderbra in 2002.<br />
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Right, now we've got the boring stuff out of the way, on with the pictures. I did ask for nominations on Twitter for #nationalcleavageday Best Cleavage Award, however my 14 followers failed to muster a single vote, so it's all down to me!<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">ACTOL National Cleavage Day Awards - Top 5</span></b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1371/1318185642_36770624a8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1371/1318185642_36770624a8.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><b><i>In 5th place, with a whopping 0 votes, Salma Hayek:</i></b><br />
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With bigger fun-bags than a children's playcentre, Salma Hayek weighs in with 36-C's.<br />
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<i>Verdict: Cuddly</i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.tubesoup.com/data/bruce-admires-halle-berry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.tubesoup.com/data/bruce-admires-halle-berry.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><b><i>In 4th place, with a staggering 0 votes, Halle Berry:</i></b><br />
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With hooters the size of the Great Wall of China, Halle Berry also packs a pair of 36-C's.<br />
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<i>Verdict: Motorboatable</i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img3.visualizeus.com/thumbs/09/01/03/boobs,cleavage,old_man,scarlett_johansson-95e126b73eb0e2892cec4c790f71179a_h.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img3.visualizeus.com/thumbs/09/01/03/boobs,cleavage,old_man,scarlett_johansson-95e126b73eb0e2892cec4c790f71179a_h.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><b><i>In 3rd place, with a stonking 0 votes, Scarlett Johannson:</i></b><br />
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With the equivalent of the Himalayan mountain range on her chest, Scarlett brings a duo of 34-DD's to the party.<br />
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<i>Verdict: Pillows</i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.pollsb.com/photos/o/15273-family_show_hosts_try_avoid_deep_cleavages.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.pollsb.com/photos/o/15273-family_show_hosts_try_avoid_deep_cleavages.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><b><i>In a close 2nd place, with an exceptional 0 votes, Holly Willoughbooby:</i></b><br />
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With a nickname of Holly Willoughbooby, who could stop her getting in the top 2. With boobs big enough to have their own gravitational field, Holly bounces in with 34-B's and in the words of Keith Lemon -<br />
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<i>Verdict: Smash her back doors in</i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUEMqDFrpA0GaikzKzLI8kcOpE470FvUf-C6PGb_3EDVJ62h1sHsCAsXn3_u2dsoqAIeHNbcWf7iKbbzRvWaxtN2QZ_LvE4OBkhsbyxUcD-7PhpZlWmj-08L7oKAPjnA7LkQt5hXdDVSY/s1600/katy_perry_3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUEMqDFrpA0GaikzKzLI8kcOpE470FvUf-C6PGb_3EDVJ62h1sHsCAsXn3_u2dsoqAIeHNbcWf7iKbbzRvWaxtN2QZ_LvE4OBkhsbyxUcD-7PhpZlWmj-08L7oKAPjnA7LkQt5hXdDVSY/s1600/katy_perry_3.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><b><i>So the winner, in 1st place, with the only vote of the competition (from me), it's Katy Perry:</i></b><br />
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Wow. Just wow. In the hands of Russell Brand, Katy is still wearing less than Tom Daley and we all love her for it (apart from her 'Mom' who is said to be disgusted). Sporting a pair of 32-D headlamps, Katy is a worthy winner and receives the 2011 ACTOL National Cleavage Day Award.<br />
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<i>Verdict: She kissed a girl and I liked it</i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Notable absentees from the top 5 include, Christina Hendricks, Megan Fox, Keeley Hazell and, of course, Gemma Atkinson. Oh, and I nearly forgot, in order to not appear sexist, here are the male awards. Unfortunately, we only had one entry for this and I am too disturbed to look for more pictures of men in bras, so without further ado.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">ACTOL National Cleavage Day Awards - For Men in Bras</span></b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.wordpress.tokyotimes.org/archives/bra_man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="http://www.wordpress.tokyotimes.org/archives/bra_man.jpg" /></a></div><b><i>The winner by default, in 1st place, Random Foreign Guy in Bra:</i></b><br />
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Sporting a multicoloured bra that Joseph from the Bible would be jealous of and sporting a hairy chest envied by gorillas worldwide, this man has somehow won an award. If you can find a more deserved winner of this category, please keep it to yourself as I do not want to be subjected to any more pictures of this kind. <br />
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<i>Verdict: I'd rather set my oven to 200 degrees and cook my knob until golden brown, then serve it on a bed of romaine lettuce accompanied by a red wine reduction and let my dog eat it, than go within 100miles of this man.</i><br />
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So that is it for the awards this year. Remember, all comments are welcome and please Tweet and follow if you want to see more.Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-68680400890228119942011-03-28T13:17:00.006+01:002011-03-29T15:15:36.127+01:00The Budget, More Protests and Upside Down Dogs<b>As George Osborne walked out the front door of Downing Street with this years Budget, he must've known he would soon be one of the most hated men in the country. Holding the famous battered red briefcase in front of him like it was full of explosives, and looking like a pretentious twat, he took his place in front of the journalists and following Gaddafi's lead, proceeded to ruin the lives of thousands of people. Marches followed in London, with thousands sticking up a defiant middle finger to all the cuts, George Osborne being one of them!</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/6/22/1277204660250/George-Osborne-holds-Disr-007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/6/22/1277204660250/George-Osborne-holds-Disr-007.jpg" /></a></div>The biggest story to come out of the Budget in my opinion was the rise in alcohol prices. A few months after the VAT rise made pints start costing ridiculous amounts such as £3.07, they have decided to put another 4p duty per pint on top. With 15p increases in the cost of a bottle of wine and a 54p rise on the price of a bottle of spirits, it seems that drowning our sorrows this year could cost that little bit more. As an ex-student, this won't put me off drinking alcohol, it'll probably just stop me spending money on a portion of chips for the stumble home!<br />
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With fuel prices dropping by 1p per litre, George Snobsborne seems to have finally done something right, but if you look through the smokescreen, how much will this really save you? After much estimation, pummelling of a calculator and using the full extent of my Maths degree, I have worked out that this cut is saving me a grand total of £0 per year - mainly due to the fact I don't own a car. If you do have a car though, you are inevitably one of the people who gets EXACTLY £20 of petrol...or at least tries to, so you won't really notice a drop in the price as you will still be paying the same price at the pumps. Yes you will get more petrol, about 100ml on average or the equivalent of 3 mini milk ice lollies, but this additional fuel won't even drive you an extra mile!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpThn56sGtxoXHQyDrxXQETe5Kcp3d1SDnkvHY-RdDIA-5vJUpDVZYbOjeT0dtxa34JKefVTZuwQ0pWLRh2EDzEwanaPzR2gVWcN4WQrh6dNZpegNAfLdVkeA1-UtBJ5wlTDf23bo2cDI/s1600/gadcam.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpThn56sGtxoXHQyDrxXQETe5Kcp3d1SDnkvHY-RdDIA-5vJUpDVZYbOjeT0dtxa34JKefVTZuwQ0pWLRh2EDzEwanaPzR2gVWcN4WQrh6dNZpegNAfLdVkeA1-UtBJ5wlTDf23bo2cDI/s400/gadcam.jpg" /></a></div>It's for these reasons, as well as the cuts to the NHS, Police and Military amongst many others, that there was an organised march through London on Saturday evening. The country at large are not happy with the Tories and their lapdog Lib Dem sidekicks making cuts to the core services of our nation. Unemployment is high, jobs are few and far between and The Only Way Is Essex is still on TV. I am worried about the future of this once great nation, and so were thousands of others that took to the streets a few days ago. There were also a couple of hundred people who took to the streets purely to cause trouble and ironically cost thousands in policing that needn't have been spent. They vandalised Trafalgar Square, knocked leaflets on the floor of a branch of Santander and climbed on a roof. To be honest, as far as riots go, we are useless! In the Middle East, riots have led to wars and have forced Mickey Rourke lookalike, Gadaffi, to take his army of attractive female bodyguards with him everywhere he goes. In London, riots have led to 201 people being arrested and David Cameron has gone for a run with a couple of sweaty blokes.<br />
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In the style of The One Show, I will now completely change topic with no conceivable link to the previous discussion at all and talk about upside down dogs. Yes, you read that correctly, people are laying their dogs on their back and taking photos of their faces. This makes the dog look like it's smiling, and if I'm completely honest, it's bloody genius! Here's a selection of my favourites (click the image to see it enlarged).<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1NFx-teDwzIV_qgdpECST_V9SX_geh2hB-wA4ldCmdd5EVD-fFrCd3OkWtzqSbResVzFlIjsGpvT0FWQqYnFJOcA8T_0usa4SCYfPW-8O1D32aBPjfcUyIYdVGRjR1z1uaauKwU2r2oo/s1600/dogshaha.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="267" width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1NFx-teDwzIV_qgdpECST_V9SX_geh2hB-wA4ldCmdd5EVD-fFrCd3OkWtzqSbResVzFlIjsGpvT0FWQqYnFJOcA8T_0usa4SCYfPW-8O1D32aBPjfcUyIYdVGRjR1z1uaauKwU2r2oo/s400/dogshaha.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Please follow, comment, tweet, or politely applaud this blog if you've enjoyed the read or even if you didn't, but just liked the pictures of upside down dogs. Thanks.Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-29686102813966808682011-03-21T15:41:00.002+00:002011-03-29T20:26:04.656+01:00Rebecca Black at Reading Festival and other leaks.<b>In a week where there is military action in Libya and continued unrest in the Middle East, other big news has just broken. The Leeds and Reading Festival lineup has been leaked and a possible surprise act could be joining it.</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5053/5537417789_cfa7a93143_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5053/5537417789_cfa7a93143_o.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>There are highly unsubstantiated rumours from a number of unreliable sources today who are claiming Reading and Leeds Festival are jumping on the Rebecca Black bandwagon. They say that Rebecca, 13, who has been an internet 'sensation' with dreadful song 'Friday' is due to headline Friday night at the annual festival in Reading. We have also been informed that fellow headliners, My Chemical Romance, are considering a duet with the California based schoolgirl, but this is yet to be confirmed. It is thought that due to many artists including George Michael, Barry Manilow and Chesney Hawkes, turning down the festival, organisers had been forced to search further afield for a popular act. Although not officially announced yet, and not featured in the leaked line-up due to rumoured ongoing contract negotiations, it is yet to be seen whether or not Rebecca Black would be a hit in the UK on the festival scene...only time will tell.<br />
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Confirmed artists in the leaked lineup for the Reading and Leeds festival include other headliners, The Strokes and Muse. Personally I can't decide whether I'd rather listen to the depressing ramblings of Muse or go on holiday to Libya, dressed from head to toe in Ginger Spice's Union Jack dress, screaming "Gadaffi is a bellend" from the rooftops of his palace. This is the extent of my hatred for Muse!<br />
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Other artists to play the festivals include Beady Eye (half of Oasis), Pulp, Elbow, 30 Seconds to Mars and Interpol. For the full leaked lineup, see the picture below!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://oi53.tinypic.com/2pts6dy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://oi53.tinypic.com/2pts6dy.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-27784832115480412762011-03-15T13:09:00.012+00:002011-03-16T11:10:47.208+00:00Comic Relief<b>Before I start this blog, I promise I will not show any pictures of starving kids to try to guilt trip anyone into giving money for <a href="http://www.comicrelief.com">Comic Relief</a>. Firstly, this is a humorous blog (i hope) and so this would be largely inappropriate and secondly the idea of this blog is not to beg you for money, but to have a look at some of the ways people are raising money this year.</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.caughtoffside.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Comic_relief_logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right; float:right; margin-left:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="http://cdn.caughtoffside.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Comic_relief_logo.jpg" /></a></div>This year, Comic Relief will take place on Friday 18th March (unfortunately, due to this scheduling, pop sensation Rebecca Black will be unable to make an appearance with her 'popular' debut song as she is rumoured to be out partying that night). 26 years since it's creation, Comic Relief has raised over £650million, helping charities in over 75 countries worldwide and making a massive difference every day of the year, which it is to be massively commended for. I don't normally give money to Comic Relief as I prefer to donate to my local charities and other charities that mean a lot to me, however this year, if I get to watch the whole of the Comic Relief show and don't have to see Lenny Henry attempting to be funny, then I may make an exception.<br />
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This year, Radio One presenters Chris Moyles and Comedy Dave are attempting to do a radio show for at least 37 hours. Some people may view this as radio hell and would rather listen to Jedward argue with each other about who sounds more like Louis Walsh or who's quiff looks more like a Baboon's arse, but personally I quite enjoy Chris Moyles's show so will no doubt be tuning in.<br />
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Other fundraisers have included a celebrity walk across the desert, a tightrope walk by Helen Skelton between the chimneys of Battersea Power Station and of course many smaller local fundraisers which will raise the majority of the money for the charity. Let me know what you have done in the comments!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivvgCot-9Cxd-H-8xhtqIRQDakTm20ngr02Pa_MueSQm0KxuXYkJcNK9ftc_3fLfM6aIldy0wWc8sntGU1ndHPfo_wC-lp0bOoKpZ5EtLZuahDVXksY1Qg8OzPDDvci7s9PG5zZ6eOxZ0/s1600/skinner+gloves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivvgCot-9Cxd-H-8xhtqIRQDakTm20ngr02Pa_MueSQm0KxuXYkJcNK9ftc_3fLfM6aIldy0wWc8sntGU1ndHPfo_wC-lp0bOoKpZ5EtLZuahDVXksY1Qg8OzPDDvci7s9PG5zZ6eOxZ0/s320/skinner+gloves.jpg" /></a></div>The biggest talking point this year though is arguably <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/twitrelief">#twitrelief</a>. It has received much criticism and there have been many angry tweets from people commenting about the 'egotistical celebs' taking part. The idea of the scheme is that people can bid on ebay (<a href="http://shop.ebay.co.uk/therealcomicrelief/m.html">here</a>) for one of the celebs involved to follow them on twitter, as well as receiving a vareity of other prizes. I personally think it should've been called #twitterprostitution! I agree with the criticism to an extent, but if I was in their position, I would do exactly the same; they are using their status to raise money and at the end of the day I can't criticise that!! So far Lily Allen's tweet is worth the most at £3000 (<a href="http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/LILY-ALLEN-TWITRELIEF-SUPERFOLLOW-PLUS-/250786967994?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item3a641171ba#ht_1355wt_1139">here</a>), whereas poor old Mary Byrne is worth only £78.32 (<a href="http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/MARY-BYRNE-TWITRELIEF-SUPERFOLLOW-/250785928043?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item3a6401936b#ht_702wt_1139">here</a>), which is £3.68 less than Frank Skinner's oven gloves (<a href="http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Frank-Skinner-s-Signed-Comic-Relief-Oven-Gloves-/250786534182?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item3a640ad326#ht_821wt_1139">here</a>) and £126.68 less than Stephen Fry's frying pan (<a href="http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Stephen-Fry-s-Signed-Comic-Relief-Frying-Pan-/250786541496?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item3a640aefb8#ht_812wt_1139">here</a>).<br />
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If you disagree with the premise of #twitrelief, there is always the option to bid on <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/search/%23plebtwitrelief">#plebtwitrelief</a>, an idea by <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/dawniepants">@dawniepants</a> and brought to my attention by <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/peacockpete">@peacockpete</a> whereby "us plebs offer something up as well as the celebs". He is currently offering a custom piece of art showing YOU in space and with 3 days left it is currently at £26 - view it <a href="http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=150575702513#ht_500wt_1156">here</a>! <br />
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<i>There are also many more items for sale for #plebtwitrelief (also called #twebrelief), on <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/dawniepants">@dawniepants</a> blog which can be found here <a href="http://inanityandthegirl.blogspot.com/">http://inanityandthegirl.blogspot.com/</a>.</i><br />
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Either way, give money if you want to and enjoy the Comic Relief show on Friday night (or go out clubbing and get absolutely Charlie Sheened!!)Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-47537825920213303482011-03-13T13:43:00.005+00:002011-03-13T21:18:15.047+00:002012, Professor Brian Cox and Talentless Musicians<b>With the recent influx of natural disasters around the globe, many people are questioning if this is the beginning of the end of the world. Is there any point in me writing this blog when the odds of anyone but myself reading it are slimmer than one of Naomi Campbell's legs.</b><br />
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/04_03/PatrickMooreREX_228x336.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/04_03/PatrickMooreREX_228x336.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>For those who have not heard, the Earth is due to end on the 21st December 2012, but it's not all bad news, think of all the money you can save on Christmas Presents. With the world ending 4 days before an old fat paedophile, dressed in a fluffy red outfit Lady Gaga wouldn't be seen dead in, climbs down your chimney, it's the perfect opportunity to save the money you would've spent on presents and spunk it all on a first class trip to Amsterdam and a classy prostitute! Of course, how legitimate is the prediction that the world will end? Well what I have heard is that the Mayan's, an ancient Colombian civilization of expert Astronomers, wrote a series of predictions and prophecies about the future according to their knowledge of planets and the night sky. The Mayans never actually predicted the end of the world in 2012, it is the end of their so called 'Long Count Calender' which lasted 5,126 years. People are reading into this that because the calender is ending, the world will end. My calender has ended on 31st December every year of my life but I'm still here and fully expect to still be here on 22nd December 2012 and if we are not then at least no one will be here to say "I told you so". The deciding factor in all this for me is that I have not yet heard Sir Patrick Moore mention the fact that we will all die in 2012 and he is not only an expert astronomer, but he also has a monocle, which makes him twice as intelligent as the Mayans!<br />
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://prometheusbaked.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/brian-cox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://prometheusbaked.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/brian-cox.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Talking of intelligent people, Professor Brian Cox, the only scientist any women have ever found attractive, is back on our TV screens tonight (in the UK) with his new series The Wonders of the Universe! With more brain cells than the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex put together, he effortlessly explains why everything we see exists with an enthusiasm not seen since Eddie the Eagle ski jumped to stardom at the 1988 Olympic Games. As a guest on Something For The Weekend this morning he explained that the recent Earthquakes and Tsunamis are not the beginning of the end of our planet, but a sign that the Earth is very much alive and purely an unfortunate side effect we have to live with in exchange for it being a habitable environment. So as my thoughts are with all the people recently affected by these natural tragedies, I am at least comforted by the fact that this planet will remain for many years yet.<br />
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From the talented, to the untalented. I was today made aware of one of the worst songs to grace my ears since Justin Bieber's 'Never say Never', which incidentally says the word 'never' 22 times, the lying bellend! Here is the aforementioned song by Rebecca Black and named Friday. It is a song with more auto tune evident than Black Eyed Peas and with its lyrics seemingly taken straight from a preschool lesson on the days of the week. If this song makes it into the charts, I will perhaps rethink whether I believe this world should end soon or not!<br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="260" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/CD2LRROpph0" title="YouTube video player" width="426"></iframe></div>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-62346889850468005732011-03-09T13:57:00.000+00:002011-03-09T15:39:23.676+00:00Lent, Arsenal & Streakers<b><span class="Apple-style-span">The morning after the night before and I've woken up to be greeted by a mess in the kitchen and a dodgy feeling in my stomach. This is an all too familiar feeling, but this morning it is not caused by the after-effects of an evenings worth of alcohol and dodgy kebabs. Instead it is caused by an evenings worth of eating too many pancakes and seeing who was the most successful tosser!</span></b><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.funnyfacespictures.com/upload/thumb/4448/pancake-face.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.funnyfacespictures.com/upload/thumb/4448/pancake-face.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>On the final day before Lent (the time when Jesus wasn't allowed to eat pancakes for 40 days), it is traditional to use up all the eggs, flour and fat in the house in preparation for this holy period of sacrifice. This may have been successful in 50AD, but in the modern world most people have to go out and buy eggs and other ingredients so they can make the pancakes, no doubt ending up with more ingredients at the end of the day than what they started with! I'm left with a messy kitchen, bellyache and some leftover pancake batter which I will no doubt use for lunch and contradict the whole point of pancake day in the first place. When you consider it further, Lent is just an easier version of a New Year's Resolution, so if you want to make a real statement, then give up pancakes on January 1st and don't pussy about with a 40 day promise. Alternatively, there may be a deeper meaning to Lent that I have overlooked, however I am unaware of this!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">This brings me in a completely unrelated way onto the matter of a rather important football match last night. It had been bigged up all week to be a great game and it definitely lived up to the hype. 2 teams in great form, vying for the win and the acclaim that goes alongside it played out a thrilling 2-2 draw, with Southend twice coming from behind against Gillingham to snatch a point. Both teams could have won it, but the battle for a playoff spot in League Two continues.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.qortuba.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/red-card.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.qortuba.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/red-card.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>In a slightly less important game last night, Barcelona met Arsenal in the Champions League gunning for a place in the quarter finals. Arsenal lost 3-1 on the night and 4-3 on aggregate with players and managers alike criticising the Swedish referee for ruining their chances when he sent off Robin van Persie. Though it was a very harsh red card, it was not as undeserving as this one! </span></div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Wearing only a mankini and a wig, a brave fan decided to run onto the pitch and after easily dodging a number of stewards with his silky skills, was then rugby tackled to the floor by Dorchester Town player/manager Ashley Vickers. The referee, obviously a fan of Borat and seeing the semi-nude male anatomy did not take kindly to the tackle and sent the player off, much to the disgust of both teams. Watch the action unfold on the video. All comments welcome!</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><iframe title="YouTube video player" width="320" height="260" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/4qzQ3qjzomo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-65193140250148380222011-03-07T16:31:00.001+00:002011-03-07T23:02:27.032+00:00Summer is here...kind of.<span class="Apple-style-span"><b>In the darkest depths of Southern England, an elusive object has today reappeared after going missing for a few months. The Spanish refer to it as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">el</span> sol, the Germans as die <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Sonne</span> and the Chinese as 太陽. Yes, you guessed it (though, probably not from the Chinese translation), it's the sun.</b></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span><br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.google.co.uk/url?source=imgres&ct=img&q=http://burninlovebbq.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/bbq-in-winter.jpg&sa=X&ei=zBR1TZaLI8aEOqSm2L8G&ved=0CAQQ8wc4FA&usg=AFQjCNGzKuLxGJZEvzMf8VE06SN53lojSw"><span class="Apple-style-span"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.google.co.uk/url?source=imgres&ct=img&q=http://burninlovebbq.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/bbq-in-winter.jpg&sa=X&ei=zBR1TZaLI8aEOqSm2L8G&ved=0CAQQ8wc4FA&usg=AFQjCNGzKuLxGJZEvzMf8VE06SN53lojSw" border="0" alt="" /></span></a><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This morning, I pulled back my curtains to be greeted by the centre of our Solar System, glimmering through the urban smog. A day after the start of </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span"> Professor Brian Cox's new series, Wonders of the Universe, centred around the inevitable death of our source of heat, the sun has fought back with it's personal <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Hayemaker</span> and is clearly not going to disappear without a fight (of about 5 billion years <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">apparently</span>). But, as I dust off my sunglasses, open my window and consider putting my shorts on whilst planning my first BBQ of the year, I realise that I'm actually an optimistic idiot. A quick look on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Metcheck</span> tells me I have more chance of making ice lollies this evening than heating up a burger, with it</span> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">predicted to feel like minus 3 degrees <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">celsius</span>. This won't stop me feeling positive about life today though, the sun is out and everything (and everyone) looks better for it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">With my renewed vigour this morning, I decided to venture to the hairdressers for the inevitable awkward banter that goes along with it. And this morning, I heard this classic:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">"Good weekend"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">"Yea, not bad. You?"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">"Yea, I cooked a nice Lasagna last night"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">"Really?"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">"Yea"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">Then silence, while the hairdresser casually snipped away, not even appearing baffled or knocked back by the randomness of the previous conversation. Not another word was said until the cut was finished and the job of payment was discussed. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">On the other hand, my </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">conversation with my hairdresser touched on such issues as getting hit over the head with a traffic cone, snogging a 65 year old women and sitting on your disabled friends lap before rolling down a big hill in his wheelchair. I challenge anyone to find a place where more random conversations take place!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><br /></span></div><br /><br /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; ">Finally, I have just received the horrifying news that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Asda</span> have released a dating website...cleverly named <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Asda</span> Dating. They say, "</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma, Arial; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Forget speed dating, supermarket dating is where it's at". I haven't fully explored their proposition, but I fail to see how this will work exactly, although I imagine this is what one of their user profiles will look like:</span></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.google.co.uk/url?source=imgres&ct=img&q=http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00517/ASDA280_517893a.jpg&sa=X&ei=QhR1Tc7kGsaWOuCThMEG&ved=0CAQQ8wc&usg=AFQjCNFEmGKnJx7uDGxcwBggDcRZ4nOqmw"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.google.co.uk/url?source=imgres&ct=img&q=http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00517/ASDA280_517893a.jpg&sa=X&ei=QhR1Tc7kGsaWOuCThMEG&ved=0CAQQ8wc&usg=AFQjCNFEmGKnJx7uDGxcwBggDcRZ4nOqmw" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><i><br /></i></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>Name</i><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; ">: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">hyperpringle</span></span></span></span><br /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>Age</i>: 21</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>Favourite Shopping Aisle</i>: 14 - biscuits and sweets</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>Favourite Food</i>: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Asda</span> 'Chosen for You' Steak Pie.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>Bio</i>: I'm a young, athletic single man looking for a similar woman who must be interested in shopping and must only shop at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Asda</span>. My favourite colour is green (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">lol</span> the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">asda</span> logo is green <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">lol</span>).</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><span class="Apple-style-span"><i>Ideal First Date</i>: Meet outside my local <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Asda</span> in the trolley bay, put £1 in the trolley and both commence our weekly shops and then see who can make the most savings over the course of the shop.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'; line-height: 15px; font-size: small; "><br /><br /><br />If this is what the world is coming too, I can only hope the sun speeds up it's inevitable transformation into a red dwarf and makes the Earth <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">uninhabitable</span>. The shame which would bestow me if aliens invade and discover everyone meets their partners in the fruit and veg aisle of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Asda</span> is unimaginable. </span></div></div></div>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-23855332607271103772011-03-01T15:49:00.000+00:002011-03-01T16:38:55.123+00:00Colonel Gaddafi, Earthquakes and Drunk Children<span class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-weight: bold; ">Another week and more news to discuss. There's more unrest in the Middle East, unrest underground in New Zealand and arguably the youngest drunk in a bar!</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img.izismile.com/img/img2/20090819/640/colonel_qaddafi_640_01.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 426px; height: 226px;" src="http://img.izismile.com/img/img2/20090819/640/colonel_qaddafi_640_01.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />To start with, Colonel Gaddafi, a man who must have the same fashion designer as Lady Gaga, is refusing to stand down in Libya and instead shooting his own people, the very people he wants supports from. And he still claims, "My people love me. They would die for me". Well they are doing one or the other!! In my eyes, he's no Colonel Sanders...the greatest Colonel to ever live. I don't like Gaddafi now and unless he dies with a legacy of fried chicken to his name, I never will!</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">Big news this week is also of the tragedy in New Zealand, where a huge 6.3 magnitude Earthquake struck Christchurch with a death toll expected to reach 240. My thoughts are with all friends and family of people affected in the disaster.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">To end though, whilst underage drinking is a constant talking point, I came across this wonderfully crafted video by Swedish short film maker, Johannes Nyholm. It centres around a 22 month old baby in a makeshift bar in Spain, who has a few too many tipples...so without further ado, the beautifully titled "Baby Trashes Bar in Las Palmas".</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><iframe title="YouTube video player" width="426" height="260" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cds7lSHawAw" frameborder="0"></iframe></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">And here's a fact for you: Interestingly, the child featured is the 22 month old child of the filmmaker that features in the video, and by the looks of things, she has a long and prosperous future in the acting industry...either that or she'll end up an alcoholic before she can say Mummy (or it's swedish equivalent).</span></div>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6544099791139061340.post-6921270167387532242011-02-02T15:58:00.002+00:002011-03-28T12:31:41.844+01:00Protests, a dog and Andy Gray<span style="font-weight: bold;">So this week, we've discovered football presenter's are sexist and Egypt don't like their Government...these 2 stories have dominated the front and back pages, but what is new?!</span><br />
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<div>Does any country particularly like their Government? The answer to that is clearly "No!". So why are the Egyptians protesting? I honestly haven't read a newspaper or watched the news so I have no idea. I'm guessing they don't like their Prime Minister for a reason...but how much worse can he be than Boris Johnson, the man who can turn entire cities against himself in one sentence. All I do know is that in every major protest in the past 3 years, one dog has got involved. It's name, Kanellos, dubbed the "Greek Dog Of Protest". I think the protesters in this country should look up to Kanellos! Now a protest veteran, there have been no reports of the dog throwing fire extinguishers off of a roof or swinging around on the London Cenotaph. Arguably, as a dog this would be an achievement in itself and would probably be applauded rather than cause distress, but this is beside the point. This brings me smoothly onto my final summary that I think all future protests should be made up entirely of dogs. We would have no broken windows, no falling fire extinguishers and no horse-like royalty being poked with sticks. Protests would be peaceful. However, we would have to hope that with so many dogs around they don't all start having sex with one another, as they are normally so horny that a table leg would do!</div><div><br />
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<a href="http://www.lavishavenue.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/charlotte-jackson-09.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://www.lavishavenue.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/charlotte-jackson-09.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 200px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0;" /></a><br />
<div>Talking of horny, Andy Gray and the other guy from Sky Sports have been sacked due to off air comments about lineswoman Sian Massey probably not understanding the offside rule and making jokey sexual comments to Charlotte Jackson, pictured left (clearly a strong believer in women being equal and not looked upon as inferior pieces of sexy flesh). Do the majority of men feel they know more about football than their wives or girlfriends? Of course they do. So why the uproar? Well, in the politically correct world we live in today, where we have to call a blackboard a chalkboard due to the potentially racial connotations, no-one is allowed an opinion which is in any way slightly controversial. If we did a poll of the whole of the UK, asking every person to explain the offside rule, I guarantee that more men will be correct than women! Does this statement make me sexist? I don't think so, but some people do. Luckily I'm unemployed so can't be sacked for having this opinion. Having seen many football games myself, I do believe that the majority of officials do not understand the offside rule, so this whole argument is irrelevant anyway. </div>Jon Shedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04212435370739913688noreply@blogger.com1