National Cleavage Day

Today, whilst busy redesigning this blog with more alterations than Jordan has had boob jobs, I was reliably informed that it is National Cleavage Day. Since that moment, I have spent a good few hours 'researching' the topic of this blog, which will of course be cleavage - it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it! I don't want to turn this into a sexist, chauvanistic blog focussing purely on the female form, however this could prove impossible so I apologise in advance!

Before I make your trousers bulge and your eyeballs orgasm with a plethora of pictures, I will provide a brief history of National Cleavage Day:
It was started by Wonderbra in 2002.

Right, now we've got the boring stuff out of the way, on with the pictures. I did ask for nominations on Twitter for #nationalcleavageday Best Cleavage Award, however my 14 followers failed to muster a single vote, so it's all down to me!

ACTOL National Cleavage Day Awards - Top 5

In 5th place, with a whopping 0 votes, Salma Hayek:

With bigger fun-bags than a children's playcentre, Salma Hayek weighs in with 36-C's.

Verdict: Cuddly

In 4th place, with a staggering 0 votes, Halle Berry:

With hooters the size of the Great Wall of China, Halle Berry also packs a pair of 36-C's.

Verdict: Motorboatable

In 3rd place, with a stonking 0 votes, Scarlett Johannson:

With the equivalent of the Himalayan mountain range on her chest, Scarlett brings a duo of 34-DD's to the party.

Verdict: Pillows

In a close 2nd place, with an exceptional 0 votes, Holly Willoughbooby:

With a nickname of Holly Willoughbooby, who could stop her getting in the top 2. With boobs big enough to have their own gravitational field, Holly bounces in with 34-B's and in the words of Keith Lemon -

Verdict: Smash her back doors in

So the winner, in 1st place, with the only vote of the competition (from me), it's Katy Perry:

Wow. Just wow. In the hands of Russell Brand, Katy is still wearing less than Tom Daley and we all love her for it (apart from her 'Mom' who is said to be disgusted). Sporting a pair of 32-D headlamps, Katy is a worthy winner and receives the 2011 ACTOL National Cleavage Day Award.

Verdict: She kissed a girl and I liked it

Notable absentees from the top 5 include, Christina Hendricks, Megan Fox, Keeley Hazell and, of course, Gemma Atkinson. Oh, and I nearly forgot, in order to not appear sexist, here are the male awards. Unfortunately, we only had one entry for this and I am too disturbed to look for more pictures of men in bras, so without further ado.

ACTOL National Cleavage Day Awards - For Men in Bras

The winner by default, in 1st place, Random Foreign Guy in Bra:

Sporting a multicoloured bra that Joseph from the Bible would be jealous of and sporting a hairy chest envied by gorillas worldwide, this man has somehow won an award. If you can find a more deserved winner of this category, please keep it to yourself as I do not want to be subjected to any more pictures of this kind.

Verdict: I'd rather set my oven to 200 degrees and cook my knob until golden brown, then serve it on a bed of romaine lettuce accompanied by a red wine reduction and let my dog eat it, than go within 100miles of this man.

So that is it for the awards this year. Remember, all comments are welcome and please Tweet and follow if you want to see more.

By Jon Shed with 13 comments

The Budget, More Protests and Upside Down Dogs

As George Osborne walked out the front door of Downing Street with this years Budget, he must've known he would soon be one of the most hated men in the country. Holding the famous battered red briefcase in front of him like it was full of explosives, and looking like a pretentious twat, he took his place in front of the journalists and following Gaddafi's lead, proceeded to ruin the lives of thousands of people. Marches followed in London, with thousands sticking up a defiant middle finger to all the cuts, George Osborne being one of them!

The biggest story to come out of the Budget in my opinion was the rise in alcohol prices. A few months after the VAT rise made pints start costing ridiculous amounts such as £3.07, they have decided to put another 4p duty per pint on top. With 15p increases in the cost of a bottle of wine and a 54p rise on the price of a bottle of spirits, it seems that drowning our sorrows this year could cost that little bit more. As an ex-student, this won't put me off drinking alcohol, it'll probably just stop me spending money on a portion of chips for the stumble home!

With fuel prices dropping by 1p per litre, George Snobsborne seems to have finally done something right, but if you look through the smokescreen, how much will this really save you? After much estimation, pummelling of a calculator and using the full extent of my Maths degree, I have worked out that this cut is saving me a grand total of £0 per year - mainly due to the fact I don't own a car. If you do have a car though, you are inevitably one of the people who gets EXACTLY £20 of petrol...or at least tries to, so you won't really notice a drop in the price as you will still be paying the same price at the pumps. Yes you will get more petrol, about 100ml on average or the equivalent of 3 mini milk ice lollies, but this additional fuel won't even drive you an extra mile!

It's for these reasons, as well as the cuts to the NHS, Police and Military amongst many others, that there was an organised march through London on Saturday evening. The country at large are not happy with the Tories and their lapdog Lib Dem sidekicks making cuts to the core services of our nation. Unemployment is high, jobs are few and far between and The Only Way Is Essex is still on TV. I am worried about the future of this once great nation, and so were thousands of others that took to the streets a few days ago. There were also a couple of hundred people who took to the streets purely to cause trouble and ironically cost thousands in policing that needn't have been spent. They vandalised Trafalgar Square, knocked leaflets on the floor of a branch of Santander and climbed on a roof. To be honest, as far as riots go, we are useless! In the Middle East, riots have led to wars and have forced Mickey Rourke lookalike, Gadaffi, to take his army of attractive female bodyguards with him everywhere he goes. In London, riots have led to 201 people being arrested and David Cameron has gone for a run with a couple of sweaty blokes.

In the style of The One Show, I will now completely change topic with no conceivable link to the previous discussion at all and talk about upside down dogs. Yes, you read that correctly, people are laying their dogs on their back and taking photos of their faces. This makes the dog look like it's smiling, and if I'm completely honest, it's bloody genius! Here's a selection of my favourites (click the image to see it enlarged).

Please follow, comment, tweet, or politely applaud this blog if you've enjoyed the read or even if you didn't, but just liked the pictures of upside down dogs. Thanks.

By Jon Shed with 3 comments

Rebecca Black at Reading Festival and other leaks.

In a week where there is military action in Libya and continued unrest in the Middle East, other big news has just broken. The Leeds and Reading Festival lineup has been leaked and a possible surprise act could be joining it.

There are highly unsubstantiated rumours from a number of unreliable sources today who are claiming Reading and Leeds Festival are jumping on the Rebecca Black bandwagon. They say that Rebecca, 13, who has been an internet 'sensation' with dreadful song 'Friday' is due to headline Friday night at the annual festival in Reading. We have also been informed that fellow headliners, My Chemical Romance, are considering a duet with the California based schoolgirl, but this is yet to be confirmed. It is thought that due to many artists including George Michael, Barry Manilow and Chesney Hawkes, turning down the festival, organisers had been forced to search further afield for a popular act. Although not officially announced yet, and not featured in the leaked line-up due to rumoured ongoing contract negotiations, it is yet to be seen whether or not Rebecca Black would be a hit in the UK on the festival scene...only time will tell.

Confirmed artists in the leaked lineup for the Reading and Leeds festival include other headliners, The Strokes and Muse. Personally I can't decide whether I'd rather listen to the depressing ramblings of Muse or go on holiday to Libya, dressed from head to toe in Ginger Spice's Union Jack dress, screaming "Gadaffi is a bellend" from the rooftops of his palace. This is the extent of my hatred for Muse!

Other artists to play the festivals include Beady Eye (half of Oasis), Pulp, Elbow, 30 Seconds to Mars and Interpol. For the full leaked lineup, see the picture below!

By Jon Shed with 2 comments

Comic Relief

Before I start this blog, I promise I will not show any pictures of starving kids to try to guilt trip anyone into giving money for Comic Relief. Firstly, this is a humorous blog (i hope) and so this would be largely inappropriate and secondly the idea of this blog is not to beg you for money, but to have a look at some of the ways people are raising money this year.

This year, Comic Relief will take place on Friday 18th March (unfortunately, due to this scheduling, pop sensation Rebecca Black will be unable to make an appearance with her 'popular' debut song as she is rumoured to be out partying that night). 26 years since it's creation, Comic Relief has raised over £650million, helping charities in over 75 countries worldwide and making a massive difference every day of the year, which it is to be massively commended for. I don't normally give money to Comic Relief as I prefer to donate to my local charities and other charities that mean a lot to me, however this year, if I get to watch the whole of the Comic Relief show and don't have to see Lenny Henry attempting to be funny, then I may make an exception.

This year, Radio One presenters Chris Moyles and Comedy Dave are attempting to do a radio show for at least 37 hours. Some people may view this as radio hell and would rather listen to Jedward argue with each other about who sounds more like Louis Walsh or who's quiff looks more like a Baboon's arse, but personally I quite enjoy Chris Moyles's show so will no doubt be tuning in.

Other fundraisers have included a celebrity walk across the desert, a tightrope walk by Helen Skelton between the chimneys of Battersea Power Station and of course many smaller local fundraisers which will raise the majority of the money for the charity. Let me know what you have done in the comments!

The biggest talking point this year though is arguably #twitrelief. It has received much criticism and there have been many angry tweets from people commenting about the 'egotistical celebs' taking part. The idea of the scheme is that people can bid on ebay (here) for one of the celebs involved to follow them on twitter, as well as receiving a vareity of other prizes. I personally think it should've been called #twitterprostitution! I agree with the criticism to an extent, but if I was in their position, I would do exactly the same; they are using their status to raise money and at the end of the day I can't criticise that!! So far Lily Allen's tweet is worth the most at £3000 (here), whereas poor old Mary Byrne is worth only £78.32 (here), which is £3.68 less than Frank Skinner's oven gloves (here) and £126.68 less than Stephen Fry's frying pan (here).

If you disagree with the premise of #twitrelief, there is always the option to bid on #plebtwitrelief, an idea by @dawniepants and brought to my attention by @peacockpete whereby "us plebs offer something up as well as the celebs". He is currently offering a custom piece of art showing YOU in space and with 3 days left it is currently at £26 - view it here!

There are also many more items for sale for #plebtwitrelief (also called #twebrelief), on @dawniepants blog which can be found here http://inanityandthegirl.blogspot.com/.

Either way, give money if you want to and enjoy the Comic Relief show on Friday night (or go out clubbing and get absolutely Charlie Sheened!!)

By Jon Shed with 5 comments

2012, Professor Brian Cox and Talentless Musicians

With the recent influx of natural disasters around the globe, many people are questioning if this is the beginning of the end of the world.  Is there any point in me writing this blog when the odds of anyone but myself reading it are slimmer than one of Naomi Campbell's legs.

For those who have not heard, the Earth is due to end on the 21st December 2012, but it's not all bad news, think of all the money you can save on Christmas Presents. With the world ending 4 days before an old fat paedophile, dressed in a fluffy red outfit Lady Gaga wouldn't be seen dead in, climbs down your chimney, it's the perfect opportunity to save the money you would've spent on presents and spunk it all on a first class trip to Amsterdam and a classy prostitute! Of course, how legitimate is the prediction that the world will end? Well what I have heard is that the Mayan's, an ancient Colombian civilization of expert Astronomers, wrote a series of predictions and prophecies about the future according to their knowledge of planets and the night sky. The Mayans never actually predicted the end of the world in 2012, it is the end of their so called 'Long Count Calender' which lasted 5,126 years. People are reading into this that because the calender is ending, the world will end. My calender has ended on 31st December every year of my life but I'm still here and fully expect to still be here on 22nd December 2012 and if we are not then at least no one will be here to say "I told you so". The deciding factor in all this for me is that I have not yet heard Sir Patrick Moore mention the fact that we will all die in 2012 and he is not only an expert astronomer, but he also has a monocle, which makes him twice as intelligent as the Mayans!

Talking of intelligent people, Professor Brian Cox, the only scientist any women have ever found attractive, is back on our TV screens tonight (in the UK) with his new series The Wonders of the Universe! With more brain cells than the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex put together, he effortlessly explains why everything we see exists with an enthusiasm not seen since Eddie the Eagle ski jumped to stardom at the 1988 Olympic Games. As a guest on Something For The Weekend this morning he explained that the recent Earthquakes and Tsunamis are not the beginning of the end of our planet, but a sign that the Earth is very much alive and purely an unfortunate side effect we have to live with in exchange for it being a habitable environment. So as my thoughts are with all the people recently affected by these natural tragedies, I am at least comforted by the fact that this planet will remain for many years yet.


From the talented, to the untalented. I was today made aware of one of the worst songs to grace my ears since Justin Bieber's 'Never say Never', which incidentally says the word 'never' 22 times, the lying bellend! Here is the aforementioned song by Rebecca Black and named Friday. It is a song with more auto tune evident than Black Eyed Peas and with its lyrics seemingly taken straight from a preschool lesson on the days of the week. If this song makes it into the charts, I will perhaps rethink whether I believe this world should end soon or not!

By Jon Shed with 7 comments

Lent, Arsenal & Streakers

The morning after the night before and I've woken up to be greeted by a mess in the kitchen and a dodgy feeling in my stomach. This is an all too familiar feeling, but this morning it is not caused by the after-effects of an evenings worth of alcohol and dodgy kebabs. Instead it is caused by an evenings worth of eating too many pancakes and seeing who was the most successful tosser!

On the final day before Lent (the time when Jesus wasn't allowed to eat pancakes for 40 days), it is traditional to use up all the eggs, flour and fat in the house in preparation for this holy period of sacrifice. This may have been successful in 50AD, but in the modern world most people have to go out and buy eggs and other ingredients so they can make the pancakes, no doubt ending up with more ingredients at the end of the day than what they started with! I'm left with a messy kitchen, bellyache and some leftover pancake batter which I will no doubt use for lunch and contradict the whole point of pancake day in the first place. When you consider it further, Lent is just an easier version of a New Year's Resolution, so if you want to make a real statement, then give up pancakes on January 1st and don't pussy about with a 40 day promise. Alternatively, there may be a deeper meaning to Lent that I have overlooked, however I am unaware of this!

This brings me in a completely unrelated way onto the matter of a rather important football match last night. It had been bigged up all week to be a great game and it definitely lived up to the hype. 2 teams in great form, vying for the win and the acclaim that goes alongside it played out a thrilling 2-2 draw, with Southend twice coming from behind against Gillingham to snatch a point. Both teams could have won it, but the battle for a playoff spot in League Two continues.

In a slightly less important game last night, Barcelona met Arsenal in the Champions League gunning for a place in the quarter finals. Arsenal lost 3-1 on the night and 4-3 on aggregate with players and managers alike criticising the Swedish referee for ruining their chances when he sent off Robin van Persie. Though it was a very harsh red card, it was not as undeserving as this one!

Wearing only a mankini and a wig, a brave fan decided to run onto the pitch and after easily dodging a number of stewards with his silky skills, was then rugby tackled to the floor by Dorchester Town player/manager Ashley Vickers. The referee, obviously a fan of Borat and seeing the semi-nude male anatomy did not take kindly to the tackle and sent the player off, much to the disgust of both teams. Watch the action unfold on the video. All comments welcome!

By Jon Shed with 3 comments

Summer is here...kind of.

In the darkest depths of Southern England, an elusive object has today reappeared after going missing for a few months. The Spanish refer to it as el sol, the Germans as die Sonne and the Chinese as 太陽. Yes, you guessed it (though, probably not from the Chinese translation), it's the sun.

This morning, I pulled back my curtains to be greeted by the centre of our Solar System, glimmering through the urban smog. A day after the start of Professor Brian Cox's new series, Wonders of the Universe, centred around the inevitable death of our source of heat, the sun has fought back with it's personal Hayemaker and is clearly not going to disappear without a fight (of about 5 billion years apparently). But, as I dust off my sunglasses, open my window and consider putting my shorts on whilst planning my first BBQ of the year, I realise that I'm actually an optimistic idiot. A quick look on Metcheck tells me I have more chance of making ice lollies this evening than heating up a burger, with it predicted to feel like minus 3 degrees celsius. This won't stop me feeling positive about life today though, the sun is out and everything (and everyone) looks better for it.

With my renewed vigour this morning, I decided to venture to the hairdressers for the inevitable awkward banter that goes along with it. And this morning, I heard this classic:

"Good weekend"

"Yea, not bad. You?"

"Yea, I cooked a nice Lasagna last night"

"Really?"

"Yea"

Then silence, while the hairdresser casually snipped away, not even appearing baffled or knocked back by the randomness of the previous conversation. Not another word was said until the cut was finished and the job of payment was discussed.

On the other hand, my conversation with my hairdresser touched on such issues as getting hit over the head with a traffic cone, snogging a 65 year old women and sitting on your disabled friends lap before rolling down a big hill in his wheelchair. I challenge anyone to find a place where more random conversations take place!

Finally, I have just received the horrifying news that Asda have released a dating website...cleverly named Asda Dating. They say, "Forget speed dating, supermarket dating is where it's at". I haven't fully explored their proposition, but I fail to see how this will work exactly, although I imagine this is what one of their user profiles will look like:

Name: hyperpringle

Age: 21

Favourite Shopping Aisle: 14 - biscuits and sweets

Favourite Food: Asda 'Chosen for You' Steak Pie.

Bio: I'm a young, athletic single man looking for a similar woman who must be interested in shopping and must only shop at Asda. My favourite colour is green (lol the asda logo is green lol).

Ideal First Date: Meet outside my local Asda in the trolley bay, put £1 in the trolley and both commence our weekly shops and then see who can make the most savings over the course of the shop.

If this is what the world is coming too, I can only hope the sun speeds up it's inevitable transformation into a red dwarf and makes the Earth uninhabitable. The shame which would bestow me if aliens invade and discover everyone meets their partners in the fruit and veg aisle of Asda is unimaginable.

By Jon Shed with 3 comments

Colonel Gaddafi, Earthquakes and Drunk Children

Another week and more news to discuss. There's more unrest in the Middle East, unrest underground in New Zealand and arguably the youngest drunk in a bar!


To start with, Colonel Gaddafi, a man who must have the same fashion designer as Lady Gaga, is refusing to stand down in Libya and instead shooting his own people, the very people he wants supports from. And he still claims, "My people love me. They would die for me". Well they are doing one or the other!! In my eyes, he's no Colonel Sanders...the greatest Colonel to ever live. I don't like Gaddafi now and unless he dies with a legacy of fried chicken to his name, I never will!

Big news this week is also of the tragedy in New Zealand, where a huge 6.3 magnitude Earthquake struck Christchurch with a death toll expected to reach 240. My thoughts are with all friends and family of people affected in the disaster.

To end though, whilst underage drinking is a constant talking point, I came across this wonderfully crafted video by Swedish short film maker, Johannes Nyholm. It centres around a 22 month old baby in a makeshift bar in Spain, who has a few too many tipples...so without further ado, the beautifully titled "Baby Trashes Bar in Las Palmas".

And here's a fact for you: Interestingly, the child featured is the 22 month old child of the filmmaker that features in the video, and by the looks of things, she has a long and prosperous future in the acting industry...either that or she'll end up an alcoholic before she can say Mummy (or it's swedish equivalent).

By Jon Shed with No comments