Memories and inspiration

It was an emotional day. A day full of pain, but full of inspiration. Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a man I knew much about, yet had barely met. A man who lived his life to the fullest and enjoyed everything the world had to offer. It is from people like this that I take inspiration (even if he was a Newcastle fan), not celebrities or popstars like Justin Bieber.


I've not had much adventure in my life so far...I enjoy the simple things. If you give me a calculator, I'll enter 5318008, turn it upside down and have a giggle, so I sometimes wonder what memorable stories friends and relatives would have to tell about me when I pass.

I've won a few swimming medals in my time, written some blogs, run into a tree, sold 9 copies of my album and taken Southend to champions league glory on football manager. Achievements? Yes. Inspiring? Potentially not (unless you're Paul Sturrock).

To be fair, I am exaggerating a bit here. I have had a great life so far, but there is always more to achieve and experience. So from this day on, I intend to help the memory of a great man live on and take more opportunities that present themselves to me, so that when I'm no longer around I will have hopefully inspired someone in the same way he inspired me.

However, this pledge may not happen and if the worst comes to the worst and I kick the bucket tomorrow, please take the following limerick i have written as a replacement for the potential lack of funny stories at the funeral.

I'm sorry if you've all cried,

Because I've gone and died,

Now head to the pub,

Tuck into some grub,

And celebrate that I was alive

In memory of David.
http://www.justgiving.com/GBamford(if you would like to donate, visit link above, with all proceeds going to Macmillan)

By Jon Shed with 1 comment

Queen or no Queen? That is the question!

As we move from shakespeare's eloquent use of the english language into the modern era of txt spk, times have definitely changed. The pen is no longer mightier than the sword. The pen is, in fact, no mightier than a 9 year old chav hiding behind a twitter username. In modern times where Posh and Becks are seen as royalty, what place does the once revered and much respected queen have. Our queenie may be one of the most powerful women ever to grace the earth, but has her appeal worn off, much like the novelty of birthdays for the over 30s.

There are two sides to every argument: So what that she wears an elaborate object on her head...so do Jedward. There are in fact a huge amount of people around the country that despise the queen and everything she stands for...again, just like Jedward. As we approach the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, a 60 year reign dating back to the days before Simon Cowell and his unwanted opinions, commemorated by a logo more accustomed to CBeebies, it is time to reflect on what she has achieved:

• There is a bridge named after her
• There is a boat named after her
• She's got a very recognisable wave
• She introduced us to Pippa Middleton's bum

Reason enough to keep an unelected monarch in a mansion with more toilets than Homebase? That's not down to us to decide. Or is it?! If Simon Cowell had his way, we would all be looking forward to the upcoming series of "The Throne Factor" and he'd be pulling his trousers ever higher to prevent his pockets full of gold ever falling below his belly button! Please feel free to vote and leave comments!

By Jon Shed with 1 comment

Insults, Broken Toes and Old People

Have you ever been in the middle of an argument, doing your best to verbally rape your enemy into submission, but instead find yourself metaphorically fumbling around to get your cock out and getting your foreskin caught in your zip? In hindsight, once the heat of the moment has passed and you've managed to prise the tip of your penis from your trouser fastener, you come up with the perfect insult, but it's too late. The moment has passed and the argument has been lost. Malcolm Tucker from BBC comedy In The Loop (a spin off from the TV series, The Thick Of It) has never had such problems. Read and learn:

"You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny"

"Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!"

If everyone in the world could argue with such imagination, the world would be a much better place. I'm sure many of you will have seen the Haye vs Klitschko fight recently, where Haye lost fairly comprehensively but blamed his loss on a broken little toe. Imagine if Klitschko walked up to Haye after he started complaining and said "Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse", that alone would've been worth the £12.95 that we charged to my friend's dad's Sky Box Office account to watch the fight! It would go down as one of the greatest fights of all time!

A great insult normally involves at least one swear word and whether my nan would approve of all the bad language is another story altogether. My nan shakes her head at the TV every time Cilla Black's face appears, mumbling something about the fact people should not have to see her horrible face and those teeth. She will also tut loudly when she hears the word "fart", so I can't imagine what her reaction would be if someone told her to shove a lubricated horse cock up her shitter. This is the thing with old people, they all moan about the Germans, the amount of foreigners in our country and are generally pretty racist and think this is OK. Yet, if you say the word fart, they look at you as if you're a nazi.


So if you want to get the upper hand in your next verbal battle, I'd highly recommend watching In The Loop. I've attached a video below with Malcolm Tucker in action, it's a must watch.

By Jon Shed with 2 comments