Insults, Broken Toes and Old People

Have you ever been in the middle of an argument, doing your best to verbally rape your enemy into submission, but instead find yourself metaphorically fumbling around to get your cock out and getting your foreskin caught in your zip? In hindsight, once the heat of the moment has passed and you've managed to prise the tip of your penis from your trouser fastener, you come up with the perfect insult, but it's too late. The moment has passed and the argument has been lost. Malcolm Tucker from BBC comedy In The Loop (a spin off from the TV series, The Thick Of It) has never had such problems. Read and learn:

"You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny"

"Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!"

If everyone in the world could argue with such imagination, the world would be a much better place. I'm sure many of you will have seen the Haye vs Klitschko fight recently, where Haye lost fairly comprehensively but blamed his loss on a broken little toe. Imagine if Klitschko walked up to Haye after he started complaining and said "Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse", that alone would've been worth the £12.95 that we charged to my friend's dad's Sky Box Office account to watch the fight! It would go down as one of the greatest fights of all time!

A great insult normally involves at least one swear word and whether my nan would approve of all the bad language is another story altogether. My nan shakes her head at the TV every time Cilla Black's face appears, mumbling something about the fact people should not have to see her horrible face and those teeth. She will also tut loudly when she hears the word "fart", so I can't imagine what her reaction would be if someone told her to shove a lubricated horse cock up her shitter. This is the thing with old people, they all moan about the Germans, the amount of foreigners in our country and are generally pretty racist and think this is OK. Yet, if you say the word fart, they look at you as if you're a nazi.


So if you want to get the upper hand in your next verbal battle, I'd highly recommend watching In The Loop. I've attached a video below with Malcolm Tucker in action, it's a must watch.

By Jon Shed with 2 comments

The Apprentice

It has returned. BAFTA Award winning The Apprentice is back for it's 7th Series and will no doubt be full of more of Britain's idiots attempting to make money. It worries me that the candidates that appear on the show are allegedly among the best business brains in the country, it really does!

The line-up for the show has been announced, but before I go onto the latest bunch of halfwits, it is worth mentioning that this year the candidates are not vying for a job working for Sir Lord Mr Alan Sugar, they are competing to run a business which he will invest £250,000 in. Probably a clever move from the Sugar Monster as I wouldn't want the majority of the candidates on the show anywhere near my business...and I'm unemployed!

To see my take on all the candidates, check out my Apprentice blog @ www.apprentice2011.blogspot.com. DO IT NOW!!

By Jon Shed with 1 comment

Peter Crouch, Censorship and Complaints

In the blog today: Peter Crouch ruins Tottenhams hopes of European glory, Frankie Boyle gets a slap on the wrist and I we have a look at some of the stupidist complaints to ofcom.

Almost a week after revealing The ACTOL National Cleavage Award winner for 2011, Katy Perry's title is already under threat. Last night, Peter Crouch's red card in the Quarter Final of the Champions League against Real Madrid showed himself to be an even bigger tit; literally head and shoulders above the rest. With two challenges reminiscent of Sunday league football, the lanky striker was given his marching orders, and 75 minutes later watched his team traipse off the field on the back of a 4-0 thrashing. Crouch would have no doubt made a difference with his unorthodox, giraffe-like approach and maybe spurs would've had a chance, but as it is they have less chance of qualifying than Michael Barrymore has at getting a lifeguard job.

I'm a huge fan of Michael Barrymore and his early work with Strike It Rich and My Kind Of People, so that last joke is nothing more than a cheap shot for a laugh. Nowadays there are no presenters like him. He was funny, he was clever and he was risqué, but you can't get away with that any more. Presenters have to be very careful in what they say as there is a chance that someone watching will take offence and complain. In the past few days, Frankie Boyle's joke about Jordan's son Harvey has been censured by Ofcom amid over 500 complaints. First of all, it was an extremely harsh joke, but Frankie Boyle is known to produce this kind of material constantly and it is what has made him famous so if you don't like it, don't watch it. There are plenty of other programmes on TV if you don't want comedic abuse, you could watch Pingu, Cash In The Attic or Springwatch (but even they talk about tits).

Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross had similar problems in 2008 when 10,000 people complained about a prank phone call. Why listen to a show like theirs if you are easily insulted? The UK is a country of complainers and the trend seems to be increasing and becoming more petty. Ofcom have also received 157 complaints from viewers when Top Gear presenters called Mexican people lazy and 7 people complained when a student with the word "fuck" written on his forehead was interviewed on the BBC News at Six.

The most ridiculous complaint award goes against TV programme The Pad, broadcast on TV channel Tease Me TV 2. This channel is owned by Playboy, is in the Adult section on Sky and the programme itself consists of woman encouraging people to call in to flirt. One person complained about this, saying woman on the screen was “adopting various sexual positions and behaving in a clearly overtly sexual manner”. I don't know what the viewer was expecting when they tuned in, but the world is going mad.

I have yet to receive a complaint for my weekends work, which involved stealing a friends garden gate and hiding it in another friends' hallway. If anyone would like to complain, please go here Ofcom Complaints and never come back!

Please 'like' us on facebook, tweet us or comment.

By Jon Shed with 1 comment