Peter Crouch, Censorship and Complaints

In the blog today: Peter Crouch ruins Tottenhams hopes of European glory, Frankie Boyle gets a slap on the wrist and I we have a look at some of the stupidist complaints to ofcom.

Almost a week after revealing The ACTOL National Cleavage Award winner for 2011, Katy Perry's title is already under threat. Last night, Peter Crouch's red card in the Quarter Final of the Champions League against Real Madrid showed himself to be an even bigger tit; literally head and shoulders above the rest. With two challenges reminiscent of Sunday league football, the lanky striker was given his marching orders, and 75 minutes later watched his team traipse off the field on the back of a 4-0 thrashing. Crouch would have no doubt made a difference with his unorthodox, giraffe-like approach and maybe spurs would've had a chance, but as it is they have less chance of qualifying than Michael Barrymore has at getting a lifeguard job.

I'm a huge fan of Michael Barrymore and his early work with Strike It Rich and My Kind Of People, so that last joke is nothing more than a cheap shot for a laugh. Nowadays there are no presenters like him. He was funny, he was clever and he was risqué, but you can't get away with that any more. Presenters have to be very careful in what they say as there is a chance that someone watching will take offence and complain. In the past few days, Frankie Boyle's joke about Jordan's son Harvey has been censured by Ofcom amid over 500 complaints. First of all, it was an extremely harsh joke, but Frankie Boyle is known to produce this kind of material constantly and it is what has made him famous so if you don't like it, don't watch it. There are plenty of other programmes on TV if you don't want comedic abuse, you could watch Pingu, Cash In The Attic or Springwatch (but even they talk about tits).

Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross had similar problems in 2008 when 10,000 people complained about a prank phone call. Why listen to a show like theirs if you are easily insulted? The UK is a country of complainers and the trend seems to be increasing and becoming more petty. Ofcom have also received 157 complaints from viewers when Top Gear presenters called Mexican people lazy and 7 people complained when a student with the word "fuck" written on his forehead was interviewed on the BBC News at Six.

The most ridiculous complaint award goes against TV programme The Pad, broadcast on TV channel Tease Me TV 2. This channel is owned by Playboy, is in the Adult section on Sky and the programme itself consists of woman encouraging people to call in to flirt. One person complained about this, saying woman on the screen was “adopting various sexual positions and behaving in a clearly overtly sexual manner”. I don't know what the viewer was expecting when they tuned in, but the world is going mad.

I have yet to receive a complaint for my weekends work, which involved stealing a friends garden gate and hiding it in another friends' hallway. If anyone would like to complain, please go here Ofcom Complaints and never come back!

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By Jon Shed with 1 comment

National Cleavage Day

Today, whilst busy redesigning this blog with more alterations than Jordan has had boob jobs, I was reliably informed that it is National Cleavage Day. Since that moment, I have spent a good few hours 'researching' the topic of this blog, which will of course be cleavage - it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it! I don't want to turn this into a sexist, chauvanistic blog focussing purely on the female form, however this could prove impossible so I apologise in advance!

Before I make your trousers bulge and your eyeballs orgasm with a plethora of pictures, I will provide a brief history of National Cleavage Day:
It was started by Wonderbra in 2002.

Right, now we've got the boring stuff out of the way, on with the pictures. I did ask for nominations on Twitter for #nationalcleavageday Best Cleavage Award, however my 14 followers failed to muster a single vote, so it's all down to me!

ACTOL National Cleavage Day Awards - Top 5

In 5th place, with a whopping 0 votes, Salma Hayek:

With bigger fun-bags than a children's playcentre, Salma Hayek weighs in with 36-C's.

Verdict: Cuddly

In 4th place, with a staggering 0 votes, Halle Berry:

With hooters the size of the Great Wall of China, Halle Berry also packs a pair of 36-C's.

Verdict: Motorboatable

In 3rd place, with a stonking 0 votes, Scarlett Johannson:

With the equivalent of the Himalayan mountain range on her chest, Scarlett brings a duo of 34-DD's to the party.

Verdict: Pillows

In a close 2nd place, with an exceptional 0 votes, Holly Willoughbooby:

With a nickname of Holly Willoughbooby, who could stop her getting in the top 2. With boobs big enough to have their own gravitational field, Holly bounces in with 34-B's and in the words of Keith Lemon -

Verdict: Smash her back doors in

So the winner, in 1st place, with the only vote of the competition (from me), it's Katy Perry:

Wow. Just wow. In the hands of Russell Brand, Katy is still wearing less than Tom Daley and we all love her for it (apart from her 'Mom' who is said to be disgusted). Sporting a pair of 32-D headlamps, Katy is a worthy winner and receives the 2011 ACTOL National Cleavage Day Award.

Verdict: She kissed a girl and I liked it

Notable absentees from the top 5 include, Christina Hendricks, Megan Fox, Keeley Hazell and, of course, Gemma Atkinson. Oh, and I nearly forgot, in order to not appear sexist, here are the male awards. Unfortunately, we only had one entry for this and I am too disturbed to look for more pictures of men in bras, so without further ado.

ACTOL National Cleavage Day Awards - For Men in Bras

The winner by default, in 1st place, Random Foreign Guy in Bra:

Sporting a multicoloured bra that Joseph from the Bible would be jealous of and sporting a hairy chest envied by gorillas worldwide, this man has somehow won an award. If you can find a more deserved winner of this category, please keep it to yourself as I do not want to be subjected to any more pictures of this kind.

Verdict: I'd rather set my oven to 200 degrees and cook my knob until golden brown, then serve it on a bed of romaine lettuce accompanied by a red wine reduction and let my dog eat it, than go within 100miles of this man.

So that is it for the awards this year. Remember, all comments are welcome and please Tweet and follow if you want to see more.

By Jon Shed with 13 comments