Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Insults, Broken Toes and Old People

Have you ever been in the middle of an argument, doing your best to verbally rape your enemy into submission, but instead find yourself metaphorically fumbling around to get your cock out and getting your foreskin caught in your zip? In hindsight, once the heat of the moment has passed and you've managed to prise the tip of your penis from your trouser fastener, you come up with the perfect insult, but it's too late. The moment has passed and the argument has been lost. Malcolm Tucker from BBC comedy In The Loop (a spin off from the TV series, The Thick Of It) has never had such problems. Read and learn:

"You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny"

"Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!"

If everyone in the world could argue with such imagination, the world would be a much better place. I'm sure many of you will have seen the Haye vs Klitschko fight recently, where Haye lost fairly comprehensively but blamed his loss on a broken little toe. Imagine if Klitschko walked up to Haye after he started complaining and said "Christ on a bendy-bus. Don't be such a fucking faff arse", that alone would've been worth the £12.95 that we charged to my friend's dad's Sky Box Office account to watch the fight! It would go down as one of the greatest fights of all time!

A great insult normally involves at least one swear word and whether my nan would approve of all the bad language is another story altogether. My nan shakes her head at the TV every time Cilla Black's face appears, mumbling something about the fact people should not have to see her horrible face and those teeth. She will also tut loudly when she hears the word "fart", so I can't imagine what her reaction would be if someone told her to shove a lubricated horse cock up her shitter. This is the thing with old people, they all moan about the Germans, the amount of foreigners in our country and are generally pretty racist and think this is OK. Yet, if you say the word fart, they look at you as if you're a nazi.

So if you want to get the upper hand in your next verbal battle, I'd highly recommend watching In The Loop. I've attached a video below with Malcolm Tucker in action, it's a must watch.

By Jon Shed with 2 comments


I hadn't heard that story about the broken little toe. What a little bitch.

Haha nice! Hit me back,

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