It's been a while but the time has come for yet another literary eruption of opinion, prompted by a rather eventful weekend, including (bet you can't guess from the title) art galleries, a quiz night and some bloody cold temperatures - "brassic" as my girlfriend would say.
My weekend started with a trip to view a gallery of light 'installations' at the Hayward Gallery on London's Southbank before heading to the Tate Modern. The Light Exhibition I could take; a few things I'd probably put in my flat, alongside a few things that looked like they'd fallen from the ceiling. It's the truly modern art that I don't get...from the pretentious knobheads who sit in galleries murmuring superlatives in posh undertones, to the so called pieces of art these 'trendies' are seen to admire, "yaaaaar, isn't this piece just stupendous Orlando, it'd look just perfect outside on the driveway next to the Prius!"
Let me make this clear, shitting in a box, sleeping in a box, or presenting a dead fish in a box are not pieces of art. In fact putting anything in a box does not constitute art, even if there is a story behind it. I'm fully expecting people to disagree on this note, and I'm not saying my opinion is the right one, but until someone can convince me otherwise I will continue to give kitchen appliances or cutlery at weddings and refuse to offer my faecal matter with a bow on it.
For those of you thinking I'm just an uncultured individual who despises anyone expressing themselves, I am often seen farting, burping and drawing cocks on car bonnets in the snow. I can appreciate good drawings or photography, or even good drawings of photography. In fact I'd actually be more than happy to go to an art exhibition at the Tate if it featured photos of dogs wearing sunglasses!
After an afternoon of art cynicism, I headed home with my lucky lady to a charity quiz night for a very worthy cause I've mentioned in previous posts, Macmillan's Cancer Care, in memory of my friends inspirational Dad. As a naturally competitive person, quiz nights are a good opportunity for me to accuse others of cheating and showcase my affinity to useless facts. Did you know that women blink nearly twice as often as men and the dot over the letter i is called a tittle?! You do now!!!
As the night went on and the alcohol flowed, we encountered mustard tasting tests, 'is it a car or cucumber?' questions and even an arts & crafts round. In a move that could have ended in tears, scissors were handed round the room, along with other materials, as we were instructed to build a London landmark of our choice. In the 15 minutes we had to do this, my team produced something incredible. Something which could have been put in a box and displayed at the Tate. Our fully functional scale replica of Tower Bridge (see below, in its online debut) featured lifting and closing bridges, oversized origami cranes and even a giant made of blu-tack. A 9/10 score felt unjust and only served to bring the quiz into disrepute in my mind.
We ended up finishing 4th, driven partly by a clear lack of recognition, probably due to some point fixing and also by the fact the winning team had too many members (or cheating douchebags as I shall thus refer to them). Despite the team limit being 6, this team of cheating douchebags contained 8 cheating douchebags. Fuck charity, that's cheating in any situation! Cheating fucking douchebags! In my dads loudly voiced opinion, "at least we will sleep easy in our beds tonight knowing we played a fair game". P.S. I'm not a bad loser...!
I realise this blog has once again escalated into another rant and my final point is not going to change this. 'Global Warming' (or 'Global Warning' as my step-sister calls it) is apparently playing havoc on the UK's weather. For those not based in the uk who haven't heard our incessant whining, we've faced "brassic" temperatures which have been below zero degrees for weeks. Apparently this is a sign that years of pollution are messing up our weather systems, failing to note that extreme temperatures were about long before we inhabited this planet. Yes, we probably aren't helping matters, but its not all our doing.
So until next time, don't shit in boxes, don't be a quiz-douchebag and go buy your spaniel a pair of sunglasses!
Over and out.